Recently I was invited to Brett Stevenson's wedding. He's an old college chum of mine and I was flattered to be invited. I was instructed to send my RSVP to Bstevenson1957@hotmail.com. He told me he doesn't read the blog, so I sent this email: "Response at: TheUbersapien.blogspot.com -S.L." Well, here is the response:
Hello Brett,
It's Sven Lyndon. Sadly I cannot attend your holy matrimony. I work at the front desk of a learning center. Long story short: the girl who just started and could take my hours the weekend of your wedding is a lazy bitch with a huge growler and would rather sit on the couch eating bon-bons. You know what a growler is, that type of vagina that has just seen too much abuse. Hairy, and toothed. She honestly works about 12 hours a week, I just want to force feed her spaghetti until she explodes (like in Se7en, great movie). I want to do a "Saw" torture marathon: she faces every trap set by jigsaw in a 100 hour hell. Not just her either. Pretty much all women deserve this. They truly are the weakest sex. But since she can't fill in for me, I've gotta stick around and work.
You don't even know how bummed I am. We should definitely catch up at homecoming, I've got so many Asians to tell you about. Its like their genetics lend themselves to my abuse. There was one that I taught a bunch of fake American cultural customs. I modified another's vocabulary, replacing the word "please" with "shit." Lets just say this chick went from very polite to surly at the drop of a hat. It's like they will do anything if you have made an empty promise to marry them.
We should definitely catch up at homecoming. I just talked to Barry Sopinski. He's doing real well, hes been in the peace core for some time now. He said he'd be back as well. I can't wait to tell you guys in person about my competitive mysogeny. Abusing women (and Asians) has gone from casual to lifestyle. If I don't oppress one or both in a day, its like I don't exist. It defines me.
At this moment in time, I am recalling that your mother's name is Bertha and she was probably born around 1957. Why is this significant? Well it is quite likely that the email address (BStevenson1957@hotmail.com) supplied on that fruity invitation is that of your mother. If this is in fact the case:
Mrs. Stevenson I am so sorry for my language and opinions about women, Asians and your terrific wedding invitation. Please let me lend me sincerest apologies for the mix up. I don't even usually talk about women or Asians that way. Brett usually reprimands my behavior. You have a terrific son.
Sincerely,
Barry Sopinski
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