The Secret Manshake

My childhood was spent being submitted to constant testing and evaluation. I despised all of it, save one event. Boys Club. Once in a blue moon mother take leave of the compound. With the woman gone, our father would summon the boys and call to order another meeting of "The Boys Club." Each meeting began with a recital of the Seven Tenets of Manhood. They are ideals that every successful man lives his life by and are as follows:

1. Indiscriminate Anger: The ability to become enraged at the most unenrageable offense
2. Vengeance: Cleaning up where karma falls short
3. Womanizationfullness: Keeping those second class citizens in the third class
4. Physical Aggression: "The Sweet Science" of low blows, biting, and improvised weapons
5. Dogs: Guns don't kill people, my dog does
6. Deception: You look, I run/take/stab/ect.
7. Traps.

With the tenets recited, and lashings dealt out to those who could not remember the tenets, the meeting began. Challenges where made on the three levels of manliness.

The first level is physical. The challenge begins with the first substantial snowfall. Each contestant is issued one size 28 Warchol Swim Trunk. With a four inch inseam, legs are left unabashidly exposed. Everyone is then instructed to run to the yard and lay in the snow. The last man to leave the snow is the most manly and scores a point in his favor.

The second level is psychological. This challenge begins about halfway through the first level. The first candidate to psychologically manipulate another was the winner. Things that count as psychological manipulation are, but not limited to: talking a candidate into beliving there was no way he could win, convincing him the snow was colder than he belived, or talking him into abandoning life within the family entirely.

The third was backstabingness. The man who bould betray the first brother would win, and be let into the inner circle of Manhood. Backstabbing includes reversing the psychological manipulation you are being subected to by: convincing the brothers that your snow is actually warmer than they belive, psychlogically manipulating the others into beliving there is no way you can lose, and using reverse psychology to agree with a brother trying to talk you into leaving the family thereby getting him to leave the family.

Without explicitly being explained, all competions took place at the same time. A true triple threat. As we laid there dying in the snow, our physical, psychological, and backstabiness prowesses were being tested. Needless to say the only true loser of the challenge was the poor S.O.B. who tried in earnest to win the competition. He was subjected to a guantlet of psychological manipulation and back stabbing, ultimatley he died. I do however doubt that any Lyndon has acutally tried to win the competition in earnest. Each generation has wisely gravitated towards backstabbing or psychological manipulation. We know our strengths.

Having passed each level of challenge, we became privy to the most guarded Lyndon secret. The Secret Manshake. Father would take the successful candidate up to a secret room, and in it, he would teach them "The Shake". The Secret Manshake begins with two men running to a conceled location. Once in said location, both men drop trow, look each other dead in the eyes, and without saying a word, deliver three succinct shakes to the other man's penis. Why three shakes? Well two shakes means you are insecure and four would be just plain gay.

At every family gathering, we Lyndon men pair off and run to empty rooms to exchange manshakes with each other. We then return from the room, do a sort of pair swap, and continue the tradition. Once everyone has shooken everyone's penis, the family gathering can begin. When we return, the women are none the wiser. This is The Manshake. It is secret.

-S.L.