CollegePictureBook.com

With 2012 just a few years away, Armageddon is upon us. The modern world will end and a select few will survive to live in a post apocalyptic dystopia. Gasoline, Un-radiated food and water will be scarce, infrastructure will be non-existent. In this world, only the strong will survive. I am excited to meet it. While everyone is out and about attempting to scrape by on old cans of beans and canned fruit, I will keep the world civilized. But what defines a civilization? Is it its ability to function as a collective group and thrive. A collection of self aware individuals who more often than not work towards the common good? OR Is it the ability to keep tabs on your ex-girlfriend using a java based website? I think the answer is clear.

Q: But Sven, the internet is down, how will you keep the world civilized?
A: Lyndon Innovation

Enter CollegePictureBook.com. In a world without an internet, CollegePictureBook.com will have all the juicy details on the one that got away. But how does it function without internet? SIMPLE!

Step 1. Find whatever writing material you can and, using an ink made of your blood and soot, scrawl on it your personal information, relationship status, favorite bands, ect. Really, don't be shy. Include your home address, favorite foods, all that good stuff. Just because the apocalypse has come and gone doesn't mean we can't enjoy the simple privileges of anonymous narcissism.

Step 2. Find all of the pictures you want, tag some friends if you please. You might just have to skip scavenging for food but this is important. Food and water are going to have to sit on the back burner for a bit.

Step 3. Put all of this in an envelope and hang it on a hook in a clearing. One of "The Chosen" will ride by and, without stopping, grab the envelope. Do NOT attempt to talk to them.

Step 4. Should you watch to see who picks up your envelope, it will go a bit like this:
"And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts. And I looked and behold, a pale horse. And it's name it said on him was Death. And Hell followed with him"

Step 5. Sitting in a dank corner of a warehouse filled wall-to-wall with 3.5 inch floppy disks, I will take the personal information and begin typing it up on a Mac One. All pictures will be redrawn with the arrow keys in whatever imaging application the Mac One has. I will work night and day, the closest thing to sleep I will ever know will be using a home made flame thrower to hold off Lord Humungus and his general: Master Blaster. They want my floppies.

Step 6. I will copy your profile to floppy disks. If you've got twelve friends, I'll make twelve disks. If your a huge whore and have roughly 2,000 friends, most you don't even know personally, except for the time they were your beer pong partner and you gave them a squeezer in the bathroom at the end of the night, I'll make 2,000 disks. What would CollegePictureBook.com be without the sluts.

Step 7. The disks will then be placed in a bag and picked up by one of my many couriers. They will ride horses, or bikes, or motorcycles, one will have a gyro copter. They will race against the many gangs and remnants of the American government that populate the wasteland to deliver said disks. Many will die. As The Chosen distribute the disks they will likely expose your friend's positions to the enemy.

Step 8. You load the received profile onto your computer and enjoy.

Step 9. When you want to update your profile, simply start at step one.

Before you question the legitimacy of this program, arguing that my time is better spent finding food or making guns, I want you to count the number of times you went on Facebook yesterday. Mankind is in a new era of necessity, in short, we have evolved a fourth basic need. Food, water, shelter, Facebook. Facebook isn't some passing trend, it is the future. Fifty years from now, the presidential address will not be broadcast on ABC, NBC, Fox, or any news channel. It will take place on Facebook as a series of carefully planned status updates. Without Facebook we lose what separates us from the animals. It used to be that sapience, or awareness of your own existence, was what separated us from the animals. They have now given self awareness tests to dolphins, dogs, and elephants. They all passed. I have yet, however, to see any of those animals drunkenly "poke" the girl they like on a java based website.

By preserving anonymous social networking, I will preserve mankind.

-S.L.