Sven Lyndon: Guest post

Listeners,

This week I'm doing something a little different. I asked my crony Dave to write a guest post for the blog. So without further adieu I turn the reigns over to him:

"I'm not into putting myself out there on the web like Sven is. Two days ago he asked me to write a guest post for his blog. Initially I was pretty hesitant, but after realizing how oblivious he is to the world around him, I agreed. I doubt he even read this over before it was posted.

Sven and I work the front desk at a learning center run through Landmark College. It specializes in helping kids ages 6 to 12 with school work. I probably don't need to say this, but I can't stand the guy. Here is a run down of a day with Sven.

8:00 a.m.- I arrive at work.
9:20 a.m.- Sven arrives over an hour late and greets me with purple murple
9:27 a.m.- Ogles a mom loud enough for her to hear
9:35 a.m.- Ogles a student in the same fashion
9:36 a.m.- Its back to the mom
9:37 a.m.- True to form, he finishes things off by ogling both at once.
9:38 a.m.- He insists that I ogle the students as well
(The minutes of 9:20 to 9:39 were in front of no less than 12 students and a mother.)
9:39 a.m.- ::vulgar gestures::
9:40 a.m.- ::vulgar gestures::
9:41 a.m.- ::vulgar gestures::
9:42 a.m.- ::vulgar gestures::
9:43 a.m.- ::awkward silence::
9:44 a.m.- ::awkward silence::
9:45 a.m.- ::awkward silence::
9:46 a.m.- ::awkward silence::

-leaves-

10:19 a.m.- Returns
10:20 a.m.- He begins talking about his glory days playing high school baseball, he claims he hit bombs. I have it on very good authority that he had a .157 batting average in high school, but hit very well during practice. That's what kept him on the lineup.
10:22 a.m.- I respond "I was only good in batting practice" he doesn't pick up the thinly veiled shot I have just taken at him.
10:35 a.m.- He invites me to play basketball with him tomorrow morning
12:27 p.m.- Leaves, but not before promising to return again

12:45 p.m.- Returns
1:00 p.m. - Begins talking about John Cena's movie "The Marine." He insists that the negative reviews it got were "totally political" and part of an elaborate plot to keep John Cena from "making Paul Newman, Bobby Deniro, Ben Kingsley, and John Malkovich look like fucking amateurs." He blames "The Illuminati" and the Catholic Church, the ninja they sent after him because they were on to him is a clear indication of guilt. And I quote: "The Marine is the Citizen Kane of our time."
3:08 p.m.- Movie talk ends

The rest of the day with him was completely unbearable. He is completely illiterate, and not because he isn't smart. He constantly brags about how he faked having several learning disabilities all through his childhood. By combining it with a "generally affable disposition" his teachers almost always gave him passing marks out of pity. It started in kindergarten where he, as a lot of children do, developed a taste for glue. Unlike the other children, he noticed that while the mainstream children were busy working for their good grades, he sat at the special table and got the same passing marks. At age 4 he had already began manipulating people. High school was the genesis of his scheme. He would do things like show up to class late complaining that his watch was broken. He would then show it to the teacher only to reveal that he was wearing it upside down. Not realizing that Sven had done this as part of a deliberate ploy, the teacher would forgive Sven. He gloats about the time he brought his Spanish teacher to tears. On the first day of class, she passed out a contact list. Sven deliberately misspelled his name on the sheet. Upon seeing the discrepancy, the teacher asked Sven if the registrar had made a mistake on her sheet, and if she should contact them to get it fixed. Sven's response was something along the lines of "But I did spell my name righ... ...oh wait." This immediately brought the teacher to tears. Sven passed her class with flying colors.

Sven had been talking about starting a blog for quite some time. He asked me on several occasions to type for him because he had never learned to read or write. Two months ago the learning center got a grant to purchase Dragon Speech Recognition Software. The software comes with a microphone, it allows you to say whatever you want, and it will come up on the computer. It was supposed to be used by the special needs kids, but he took it. He insisted he had some undiagnosed form of Tourette's Syndrome, then used the software to start his blog. Now instead of working he sits in an unlit closet with a computer and the microphone working on the blog. I would say that this is an improvement over him bugging the crap out of me, but muffled voices coming from a closet ten feet away has become pretty unnerving. This is just the tip of his dementia iceberg.

The way he lives is life is ridiculous. Every girl we work with is terrified of him. He developed a crush on a girl from upstairs: Jen. I had stopped by her house to borrow a season of "Lost". I didn't even go in the door, but ever since I've been finding a dead rodent in my mailbox every Friday. Then, during the week I took off to watch my father die, he told the office I was a sex addict and had relapsed. I believe the term he used was: "masturbation marathon."

He is constantly bragging about "Lyndon Innovation." As far as I can tell, all "Lyndon Innovation" has done is made life miserable for everyone he knows. Here are a few examples:

"Lyndon Innovation" is responsible for his jetski and pool combo which has been systematically waterlogging his neighbor's lawn for the past month. "Lyndon Innovation" put an undersized retarded kid on the gridiron in the 1930's. "Lyndon Innovation" is the reason he chose Landmark College. Landmark College is a two year college designed for students with severe learning disabilities. Sven has no diagnosed learning disability. He enrolled because he wanted to get an easy 4.0 GPA and as he puts it "...learn the guarded secrets of retard strength." "Lyndon Innovation" is also responsible for his plans to tell off a high school, start a hobo fight ring, ski on mountains of cocaine, use babies to pull a sled in the Iditarod, get a brother and sister to fornicate, traumatize a woman into loving him, and only God knows what else. I hope none of these plans ever come to fruition. Finally, "Lyndon Innovation" bootlegged "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen." I guess I am sort of on board with this one, the movie wasn't worth my money, and his bootleg is nothing short of amazing in quality. I always ask him how he did it, but he won't give me a straight answer. He just runs off to make himself a Barbershot, then returns and smiles creepily while sipping the drink.

What is a Barbershot? Its his own concoction, half mouthwash, half cheap aftershave. Both of the ingredients have alcohol in them, but its denatured/undrinkable. He uses them anyway because, and I quote; "they use denatured alcohol to get around the tax laws, not because they don't want you to drink it." As far as I can tell he spends his weekends drunk on Barbershots. How he keeps the stuff down is a mystery to me, he should be hospitalized after drinking just six ounces of the stuff. I don't know how he hasn't gone blind, started bleeding internally, or poisoned himself to death. The man is half human half cockroach.

I used to hate my job because it was a dull, meaningless, dead end. I always wanted to be a teacher not some peon behind a desk. That's how I felt about it before Sven worked here. Now that Sven is here I don't just hate my dull, meaningless, dead end job. I hate my life too."