With the end of another academic year, I thought it only appropriate that I be the keynote speaker at Keene High School's 2009 graduation. Unfortunately, the powers that be of New Hampshire School Administrative Unit No. 29, felt differently. This is Keene High's loss, but I won't let it be the world's loss. Here is the final transcript of the speech in it's entirety:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
::Principal Alan Chmiel finishes his opening remarks with::
"...and now allow me to turn the stage over to one of the world's most prolific bloggers, a man of character, wit, charm, and culture. Sven Lyndon."
::Vapid Applause::
Sven Lyndon: "Graduating Cla..."
::Applause continues for another seven minutes eventually the audience members pass out from exhaustion, a few seconds later most wake up::
Sven Lyndon: "Graduating class of 2009, I cannot say that I am surprised to be chosen to deliver the keynote speech for this ceremony, nor is it shocking in the least bit that it is being televised by NBC, ABC, FOX, CBS, and ESPNs one through five. Completing High School should be as forgettable as losing your first tooth, learning to write, or sexual abuse at the hands of a close relative. In spite of this most of you will likely attend lavish parties complete with extravagant gifts and underage drinking. Had I buried or cremated the corpse of my father, he would be rolling in his grave or spinning in his urn; respectively. Today Keene High, today, you will get everything; and part of everything is the truth. I bring the truth.
::robust cheering::
To all the Good Girls out there, you know who you are. The ones who never drank or slept around. All I have to say is this: prepare for the worst. You have foolishly confused virtue, of which you have none, with strict parenting. Fast forward four months and seven shots of raspberry vodka, and you'll be awkwardly giving it up to the first college senior you can get your hands on. Later he will talk about it with his friends earning him some much needed respect as you are still in High School shape, a full four weight classes down from the whale with whom he closed out last semester. You will spend the rest of the semester getting way too drunk and sleeping with the first guy who can stomach kissing a chick who just threw up seventeen ounces of liquor mixed with a large helping of tater tots. Returning home for winter break, you will run into "Slutty Jenny" and have and have an epiphany. She got finger blasted by a whole seven guys over the duration of four years of high school and that's not really that slutty. You, on the other hand, have had more pipe laid than the New York City Transit Authority. To add insult to injury, she kept it together during her first semester and is in a relationship with a "pretty legit" guy. Learning this will send you into an exponentially worse tailspin second semester. Blame it all on your father.
::gasps from sluts::
To all the laid back, Chill Girls out there I can only reprimand your future actions. You spent high school participating in activities, getting good grades, and hell; even drinking a little beer on the weekends. You have a nice spot carved out for yourself, not too much, not too little. This summer you will meet a guy and the relationship will take off. Everything will seem perfect and there is no reason to think this will not continue through college. Prepare to put your boyfriend through a living hell. At college your small comfort zone of close friends, activities, and good grades will be laid to waste by excessive partying. With every one of your social outlets fueled by alcohol you will be left unable to carve out a nice spot at college. This will devastate you. When you get back then next summer you will play mind games with your boyfriend for a month, even though to him it seems like ten life times. After futility trying to make it work, he will reluctantly bite the bullet and break it off. In your wake of psychological abuse will be an emotionally crippled shell of a man, unable to form meaningful relationships with women for at least seven years. But who's counting?
::the crowd begins to turn::
To all the Male Athletes out there attending state schools with plans of playing club sports, because "they are as competitive as DIII Varsity sports": Get Real. You will show up to the first practice of your glorified drinking club and be the only one wearing cleats instead of flip flops. You will immediately cave to the peer pressure and begin doing keg stands from 4:00 pm to 7:00 pm on Mondays and Thursdays. These pre-parties will lead to all night benders where you will get just smashed enough to hook up with a girl who just threw up a half gallon of booze complimented by a few chunks that you can still recognize as tater tots. Thankfully,when you see all your friends during winter break, your tremendous weight gain will overshadow the fact that you are dating the town bicycle .
::A lone crowd member interrupts to exclaim::
"HEY FUCK YOU SVEN!"
::Without batting an eye Sven continues::
"To all the Nerds out there all I have to say is this. You will not change. Your bodys will remain pear shaped, your interactions with women: awkward. You will never come back to your hometown as the cool kid. The high school bully will always be stronger, more popular, and inside of the girl you have a huge crush on. There is no cheese at the end of the high school maze. These are all very VERY moot points though. With the advances pornography is making these days, sex with real women will be rendered obsolete just in time for your college graduation. During your first day at your extremely well paying job, you will hover over to Best Buy on your lunch break and pick up your own personalized sex-bot. If you think the nudity patches for "The Sims", "Elder Scrolls", or "Tomb Raider" are something; just wait until you see these puppies. The second they are readily available at an affordable cost they will outnumber people two to one. I see the human race going extinct within the next two generations of the product's launch. Which brings me to my closing statement.
A day honoring your birth isn't special enough, so you have an even more special one the 16th time, and presents during winter why not? Then we honor you for making it through your twelfth year of compulsory schooling. You show up, expect the world, and your parents oblige. It burns my biscuits that the way I live, I will be long dead before you get your comeuppance and the sex-bots are developed. Enjoy spending the next three fourths of your lives with your sex-bots."
::The crowd finally losses it, the graduates bum rush the stage from the field as the parents simultaneously bum rush from the bleachers. Always prepared, Sven calmly grasps rope that has just dropped from a helicopter. As he makes his daring escape, he looks back just long enough to proclaim::
"See you in hell Keene High"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I might add that the school district flat out rejected me from speaking without even reading the final version of the speech. Later in the week I approached the superintendent to offer a read through and he upgraded my rejection to a full out restraining order.
-S.L.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment