In case you don't know, I am in complete favor of triggering an earthquake along the San Andreas fault and sending that malignant tumor of a state California off into the ocean. Eat your heart our Curt Gentry. California is the freeloading capital of the world. It sits on America's couch and only gets up to go to "the goddamn refrigerator. Eatin' up all the food. All the chitlins... All the pig's feet... All the collard greens... All the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins... I like pigs feet. I want some chicken, I want some pigs feet." It's the slacker perfect storm of Spicoli, Craig Jones, and most characters portrayed by Jack Black. California, is in debt largely because of their generous social security system which is a slackers wet dream. Their debt is at 24 billion and climbing (try balancing the books with this game http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-statebudget-fl%2C0%2C95571.htmlstory). California's debt will likely default to the federal government. My tax dollars (and yours) will ultimately pay the tab.
Captaining Team Hippie-Freeloader is Nadya Suleman AKA Octomom. Long story short, Octomom was born on an unknown date in 1975. She hurt her back working as a Psychiatric Tech, filled out a form, and has received $167,000 in benefits so far. Starting in 2001 she began having a series of artificial insemination operations which resulted in six children, a set of octuplets, and a nickname worthy of a Spiderman villain. The grand total comes to fourteen children costing $105,952 annually. That figure assumes that they never attend college and stay six months old for the rest of their lives. Octomom is now seeking her nineth artificial insemination. The future is here, I am paying for some chick to get knocked up by a robot.
Octomom currently has no means to support a family. Her father has gone back to the Middle East and is working as a taxi driver in an attempt to provide fiscal support. Her dad went back to the Middle East. The Middle East, how bad does it have to get before you decide: "We'll shoot, its back off to Iran for me." I am a little more than fed up because, as far as you know, I am an American taxpayer. Since we are so graciously treating her to yet another roll in the hay with some kind of robotic Jude Law man-hooker, I think we should get some say in the goings on of these robo-bastard children. So I present to you a few options, because fourteen tube babies could be great to have science with. Here are my ideas for the fruit of Octomom's womb:
1. It may take some training, but I think and outstanding option is entering the children as a mush team in the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race. This 1,161 mile gauntlet is the truest test of animal endurance. Heading up the dog sled as musher will be none other than Ramy Brooks. For those of you who don't know, when some of his dogs refused to leave a checkpoint, "Ragin Ramy" punched, kicked, and hit them with a ski pole. Not one to half ass anything, one of the dogs died and the whole "incident" happened in front of several children. He was subsequently suspended by some uncompetitive losers who felt his actions were inappropriate.
They say that sled dogs have three times the aerobic capacity of an Olympic marathoner, so Ramy Brooks has his work cut out for him. He is the only man alive who can push these children to the limit. This year he will be fresh off of his suspension and I know he has the fire to go the distance. I would also like to see Mike Vick involved with this project
2. Baby Fight Club.
3. Ten of the children are men. Let's spurge and have octomom bear another male child. Then we hire Archie Manning to step in as father to these children. We will keep Ramy Brooks on as a baby sitter because I like his style. There is no doubt in my mind that eleven boys growing under Archie Manning's roof will result in anything less than the first professional football team comprised exclusively of siblings. Naturally they will play for the Raiders and become the second team in the league to go completely defeated. In spite of this being a clear publicity stunt masterminded by Al Davis; Fox, ABC, NBC, and ESPN will all bite and cover the team frequently. Al Davis dies a richer man.
4. Calyssa Arielle Solomon and Caleb Kai Solomon are the fraternal twins of the bunch. They will be immediately separated. The boy will be sent to live with foster parents on a farm. He will grow up strong, but constantly sense a deeper purpose in his life. The girl will be placed in a wealthy family. One that values education, arts, architecture, poetry, the performing arts, and diplomacy. Her formative years will be spent in student government, learning politics first hand from her senator foster father. The boy's parents will be killed by stormtroopers, setting into action a series of events that will finally resolve the "Luke and Leia Hookup Debate."
5. Send them back from whence they came.
Those babies belong to the people. This woman sans-husband, sans-job, sans-money, has brought fourteen lives into this world. There is NO WAY they will not end up deranged. They owe it to the people to let us decide *how* they become deranged. We pay, they play.
Burn in Hell,
Sven Lyndon
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