A Modest Request

As nine Landmark College students graduate with thier respective Associates Degrees, the collective voice of the Alumnus grows stronger, deeper, and more threatening. It used to sound like Morgan Freedman, but now its James Earl Jones. Not "Sandlot" James Earl Jones either. This is Lord of the Sith, red light saber, choke you with my mind, man in black, Darth Vader; James Earl Jones. We were ignored for 22 horrible years, and then in 2007, we were appeased by the 22nd anniversary of the founding of Landmark College. A glorious event, ask Barry Sopinski about it, I am sure he remembers it. I, Sven Lyndon, now step forward, as the booming voice of Lord Vader himself, to ask a question that has been on every alumnus's mind for the past two years:

WHEN THE F*** IS THE 24th!!???!

I'd prefer something a little nicer than Joy Wah Chinese Restaurant this year, unless that babe Lindsay Jacobellis is there again. I mean Putney, Vt is nice but spending more than the couple minutes there starts to make my cousins look good, and it makes matters even worse that all the good sheep are taken. I'm thinking private jets. Emphasis on the "S". Multiple jets. One for each alumnus, another for their date, and a third flying empty just for good measure. The jetS will take off from Burlington International Airport in Burlington, Vt (after we are shuttled there via robotic horse and carriage, not horse-less carriage, robotic horse and carriage) and then we will fly around the circumference of the globe to New York NY. Taking the scenic route as I like to say, in hell will I fly over New Hampshire or as I also like to say: "The Garbage State".

Most will touch down in New York, NY. My jet will stop in Asia and I will not be heard from for many, many years. The powers that be will have already purchased 30 Rockefeller Plaza, demolished it, and erected a ginormous ivory Landmark, the schools eponymous mascot, in its place (embellished with only the finest blood diamonds... ...and blood ivory I suppose). Each man will be given 10 sack lunches. The Landmark will then rise into the air revealing a gladiator styled pit. The pit will supply a constant feed of homeless, jobless vagrants (supplied so generously by the NY PD and our abysmal economy, thank you Barrack Hussein Obama). You will all stand around the pit, far removed from harms way, taking turns throwing lunches for the bums to fight over. As inspiration, the bums families will be not far away so they can throw a few scraps to them.

After the bums are all slaughtered by the firing squad, its back on to the jetS and off to Aspen, CO. Once in Colorado you will literally ski on mountains of powdered cocaine. That is how baller Landmark College is. All the rappers and wanna-bes like Master-P, Kanye West, and E-40 use "snow" as a word for cocaine. Street slang if you will. We will flip the G.D. tables on them and use cocaine as snow. HELL YES!

Three weeks later when we are all leaving the hospital for massive cocaine overdoses and subsequent rehabilitation, the party WILL NOT stop. At this point it CAN NOT stop. Its back on the jetS, which will no doubt still be in our possession as Boeing will have donated them to us to secure a tax break and avoid bankruptcy (thanks again economy!), and off for a friendly game of "Jet Tag". Most will die during "Jet Tag". The few survivors will crash land in Asia and wake up many years later, where I, Asia's "God-King", will rescue them. You will be rebuilt using all of Sony's technology. One exception applies to Stephen Chai, I will use Nintendo's technology and his body to build the first Wii with a soul. Implanted in everyone else's brains will be a chip where I can change their sexual orientations at a whim and the push of a button. I will not remind you of this, you have been warned. For the next 100 plus years I will rule the world Hannibal style. Attacking anything I want with elephants, some of your brains will be put into elephants as your bodies were unsalvageable and we ran out of robot stuff.

This, Landmark College, is my humble request. I put in two hardworking years, each costing $52,738, with the Landmark College and walked at graduation. A little appreciation is all I ask.

Sincerely,
Sven Lyndon AKA "The Ubersapien"