The End

Hello Ubersapien Readers, no, this isn't Sven. It's Dave. I don't think he's coming back, you'd think I would be ecstatic. I'm not. He has saved us all. I say that in all seriousness. I sat in the same room as that man for six years and never once stepped back to appreciate his brilliance. I've disabled the rest of his contingency plan because I can't deal with his masterpiece fading away via posts of his sophomore years. Instead, I will give him a fitting sendoff. Here is the front page obituary of Sven Lyndon as printed in the Montpelier Times.

"If there ever was a primer for a failed conquest of the human race, TheUbersapien.blogspot.com would be it. Hollywood has mankind prevailing over aliens through disease, stolen technology, complicated treaties, and other fanciful dues ex machina. Reality truly is much stranger than fiction.

Species X, as our government named them, invaded our planet after decoding one piece of human culture. Passing over the launch codes to various nuclear arms and the location of any and all of our biological weapons, the aliens settled on The Ubersapien. Mr. Lyndon's uninformed and sociopathic ramblings were the first and only impression the aliens had of the human race. Armed to the teeth with it, they abducted Mr. Lyndon, and then attacked.

Their invasion began with a first wave, all disguised as humans. Using Mr. Lyndon's blog as a handbook for interaction, each died in a medley of horrible ways. Some poisoned themselves with barbershots, more than a dozen of them died while trying to run a mile with a keg and drinking partner over their heads. Several were turned into living bombs as the specifics of Mr. Lyndon's flashers (as worn by his friends and The Sack Artist) were not posted. The only instance of near assimilation was their use of "The Secret Manshake" at homosexual bars, but even this victory was short lived as all who found acceptance in gay bars through the Manshake were raped to death.

Then they hit us hard by attacking facebooks servers, which stirred up a fever pitch without actually damaging any of our defense infrastructure. Falsely believing every human was incapable of making new memories, they began their conquest by debriefing in front of the entire human race. With the American government knowing all of Species-X's playbook, the counterattack was merciless.

The insult to Species-X's mortal injury was the formation of the "Species-X Ex-patriots." This group was formed from a few invader's who had read the blog and saw the genius in Mr. Lyndon's writings. Filled with Mr. Lyndon's self-depriciating ire, they began systematically recruiting fringe members of thier own society, and to date, have killed over 300,000 of themselves.

What could have been the total anhilation of man kind wasn't, and it was thanks to the deeply flawed world views of what clinical psychologists would later diagnose as a deeply flawed individual."